Dear Christian Sisters,
In my previous blog post, I told you my story—what led up to my abortion and how it resulted in more bad choices.
In retrospect, I can tell you that my abortion brought darkness over my life. I turned my back on God, I murdered my baby, and I continued to make bad decisions of staying with the baby daddy—living with him, buying a house with him, and then marrying him (the wrong order!).
It wasn’t until after the baby daddy divorced me that I found the love of Christ shown practically by Russ. I had great joy!
But I also felt convicted that having an abortion is wrong.
Thankfully, the forgiveness that comes from Christ is freeing. We should never put the heaviness of guilt back onto a woman.
As sinners, we can have the peace of Christ in all circumstances, but we have to seek the Holy Spirit to get it.
When I first told my story in front of a large group, which was at my adult baptism, I quoted a bible verse. The Lord gave it to me right as I was speaking. I didn’t know where it was in the Bible at that time, but today, I can tell you that it’s in the Bible in two places:
- in Psalm 51, which is THE BEST chapter on confessing our sins and feeling the love of God’s forgiveness, and
- in Isaiah 1.
In Psalm 51, King David is confessing his sin of murder to the Lord. In verses 2 and 3, he says:
“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin for I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.”
In verse 7 is the freeing verse. The verse that is echoed in Isaiah 1:18.
“Purify me and I shall be clean. Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.”
If you, too, are post-abortive, read Psalm 51 as if you wrote it yourself. Mean it. Then you, too, will feel the love of God’s forgiveness. Once you feel whiter than snow, you will feel light!
I exchanged my story for His story. You can, too.
Even if you have not had an abortion, you probably have life challenges We ALL have things going on behind these faces—things that are difficult.
- Some of us have difficult marriages.
- Some of us have significant illnesses.
- Some of us have difficult relationships with
- extended family or
We all have stress.
But we can all have the peace of Christ, peace that passes all understanding.
How do I know?
Because I have two siblings. Both of them have schizophrenia.
Shortly after I accepted Christ, we figured out that my brother also has schizophrenia. I remembered how I left the church when things got hard with my sister 15 years earlier.
I remember all too well how darkness fell over my life because I made really bad decisions, like:
- premarital sex and
- abortion and
- living with my boyfriend and
- marrying the wrong guy,
because I was angry at God—So I made a conscious decision to press into the church when my brother got sick and then became homeless.
Not that the church knew what to do with schizophrenia, but:
- They knew how to pray.
- They knew how to have healthy relationships within the family.
- They had referral lists for Christian counseling—and I needed counseling!
My brother was homeless for 2 years. How he was admitted into the hospital, I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know. But he did get diagnosed with schizophrenia, and then through social workers, got an apartment.
The medicine never fully worked, but at least he had a roof over his head.
Until a year ago.
Now if you’ve ever seen the movie “A Beautiful Mind,” then you have an inkling of what my brother is like. He’s a genius. The schizophrenia medication dulls his genius.
He went from spending all his time in the library reading books on computational linguistics and grading papers for a professor who taught Mandarin to someone who sits around all day doing nothing.
Not only does he know Mandarin, but Hebrew and Aramaic. He could have a PhD in linguistics, but he’s too smart and too bored to finish his freshman humanities paper to even get his bachelor’s degree.
And a year ago, he left his apartment back in Minnesota and traveled to Boston. He didn’t tell anyone.
It took a month for my dad to figure out that my brother had left and where he had gone. It took 3 more months to get confirmation from the police that he was really in Boston.
When my dad reached out to him, my brother left Boston. We think he went to Washington, DC. My mom lives with me, and she and I talk about this all he time. My brother must not realize how close we live to DC, but he would never seek us out. He literally closed the door on my face a couple years ago. He doesn’t want to see me.
And now we have no idea whether he is in DC or went back to Boston or has moved on to someplace else.
And even though I am very sad that my brother is off of his medication, that he is homeless again, and that he doesn’t want to see me, I still have hope, and I still have peace.
Last year when I found out that my brother was missing, I started praising God while I was crying. In my homeschool group, we sing the Doxology, which has been a comforting return to my church upbringing.
So I’ve been singing “Praise God from Whom all blessings flow”—and as a result, I have grown closer and closer to the Lord. I feel peace even though I’m sad.
I felt peace as I worked alongside my dad and my nephew as we cleaned out my brother’s apartment (a day that felt like a funeral).
- Peace has returned to my marriage and my home.
- I had absolute peace about quitting my job last spring.
- I had peace about homeschooling my teenager this year.
- I have peace about not having a second income even though our expenses went up this year.
- I had peace about my husband having hip surgery this summer, and I have peace about his upcoming knee surgery.
In my previous life, all these life circumstances would’ve stressed me out. But now, every day, I seek more of the Holy Spirit.
In Luke 11 after Jesus’s says “knock and it will be opened to you” (verses 9-10), he says, “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” (verse 13).
And I’ve been asking.
You know what we get when we have more of the Holy Spirit? We get the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
So, I say to you today,
- confess your sins—big and small—so that you can be whiter than snow (Psalm 51:7),
- ask for more of the Holy Spirit (Luke 11:13) so that you can have peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:4-7), and
- go make Christ appealing to every Gentile and every Jew you meet so that they want to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior (Matthew 28:19-20).